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Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
INSTALLING HUSBAND!!!!!! :-)
A woman writes to
the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech
Support,
Last year I
upgraded from Boyfriend
5.0
to Husband
1.0
and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery
applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.
In addition,
Husband
1.0
uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.5
and Personal
Attention 6.5, and then
installed undesirable programs such as NEWS
5.0,
MONEY
3.0
and CRICKET
4.1.
Conversation
8.0
no longer runs, and Housecleaning
2.6
simply crashes the system.
Please note that
I have tried running Nagging
5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
_______ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ ______
___ _______
REPLY
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in
mind, Boyfriend
5.0
is
an Entertainment Package, while Husband
1.0
is an operating system.
Please enter
command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to
downloadTears
6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt
3.0
update.
If that
application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery
2.0
and Flowers
3.5..
However,
remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to
Silence
2.5
or Beer
6.1.
Please note that
Beer
6.1
is a very bad program that will download the Snoring
Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do,
DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)
In addition,
please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend
5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary,
Husband
1.0
is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software
to improve memory
and performance.
We recommend:
Cooking
3.0
and Good
Looks 7.7.
Good Luck
Madam!
The White House fence repair..
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at
the White House in D.C.
One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties
hard beginning make a good
ending.
A jobless man applied for
the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then
watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said." Give me
your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as
date when you may start. The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither
an email." I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that
means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job. The man left
with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"The man thought for a while and replied,
He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"The man thought for a while and replied,
"Yes, I'd be an
office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
Moral of the story:
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
36/365
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love
to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
==============================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
==============================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The secret behind weight reduction oils
I have always wondered why consumers take the bait when products do ‘interesting’ and over-the-top advertising. I have found out why.
Recently, I came across an advertisement on the front page of a national newspaper about an Ayurvedic oil. It proclaimed that the oil, if used to massage the fatty areas of one’s body, will reduce body weight. Having carried some excess baggage for the better part of my life, I was tempted to resort to what seemed a pretty easy way out. Massage and chill for a while and you end up losing weight — irresistibly appealing, right? I bought a bottle of this miracle oil and even as I was leaving the shop, felt a bit lighter, not giving a thought to that leaner wallet of mine.
Now that I am wiser, I suggest a good alternative — take some warm water and do the massaging, you will still get results and what more, you save the money spent on the oil. In summer, though, this oil might be cheaper option in most parts of India.
The problem was that I read the brochure that came with the fifth bottle of oil, wondering why I was not losing much weight. Clearly, I am not as good and honest a masseur as the product brochure demands me to be; so I concluded that I will never lose weight this way, unless there is an oil which permits massages by another party and requires only minimal physical exertion after the massage as in retiring for a good nap.
By: P Varadarajan
Recently, I came across an advertisement on the front page of a national newspaper about an Ayurvedic oil. It proclaimed that the oil, if used to massage the fatty areas of one’s body, will reduce body weight. Having carried some excess baggage for the better part of my life, I was tempted to resort to what seemed a pretty easy way out. Massage and chill for a while and you end up losing weight — irresistibly appealing, right? I bought a bottle of this miracle oil and even as I was leaving the shop, felt a bit lighter, not giving a thought to that leaner wallet of mine.
There was a brochure, folded about 24 times very tightly and tucked inside the box, along with bottle of oil. I was going to chuck it into the wastepaper basket, the standard treatment meted out to such pieces of literature by most of us, when something made me unfold the paper. That took about 10 minutes (I would suggest everyone to do this in future because this exercise probably made me lose more weight than the oil would have, in a month) and I finally had the sheet spread on the table. Looking down, I was perplexed a bit since I could not decipher the contents. The font size was one of the smallest and was so truly unreadable that I had difficulty in even realising that I had spread the sheet upside down. When I solved that puzzle and straightened it, I needed a magnifying glass to get going. I probably lost another kilo, rummaging through various storage locations in the house to retrieve the required accessories.
The brochure started dwelling upon the massaging method to be used for optimal results. Fair enough. First, one had to rub the oil on fatty areas and massage for minimum of 30 minutes. Now, it is common knowledge that if fat men had 30 minutes to spare, they usually veer towards having another calorie-laden meal.
You must realise that the weight-loss potential is based completely on the assumption that you will massage yourself vigorously for 30 minutes daily for six months, nothing less. The brochure does not allow any leeway in this. The idea is to make you lose weight through the effort involved in massaging yourself — there is probably nothing to the oil, except a pleasant fragrance, to lend to the ambience and deflect your thoughts from the hard labour you would never have consciously subjected yourself to.
Other important pieces of information given in that brochure are: You have to be at it for six months without a break, use at least four bottles a month (quantity required is directly proportional to the accumulated fat in your body), and you need to give warm-water fomentation to the massaged part for another 20 minutes post-massage (more physical labour to make you lose weight).
The problem was that I read the brochure that came with the fifth bottle of oil, wondering why I was not losing much weight. Clearly, I am not as good and honest a masseur as the product brochure demands me to be; so I concluded that I will never lose weight this way, unless there is an oil which permits massages by another party and requires only minimal physical exertion after the massage as in retiring for a good nap.
By: P Varadarajan
Sunday, June 5, 2011
World Environment Day 2011
Environment is what we live in and breathe in. It is as much of our own creation as it is of nature.
The five sacred elements which make the environment live-able are water, air, fire, earth, and our spirit or senses. Our relationship with them helps us to live in harmony with nature and in peace with ourselves. Air, which is so essential to survive, represents our mind and knowledge. Fire symbolizes energy of the sun as well as of our bodies, which should be used for healing and protection and not for destruction. Clean and pure water is sacred to life and is like our emotions which can cleanse with love or devastate with rage. Earth nourishes life and stands for our bodies and we must take care of mother earth as we take care of our bodies.
Our senses or spirit represent our core values of ethics and responsibility as protectors of the earth and her people. This circle of the elements of life helps us to remember to consider the whole, and not merely, a part of a problem or solution.
Alas! We seem to have lost our minds, dissipated our energies, ruined our emotions, ravaged our bodies and torn our moral fibre beyond repair. Why else (in our insatiable greed) would we turn the free bounties of nature into sale-able commodities, and ravage its treasures like marauders?
Life became possible on earth because it had an atmosphere conducive to sustain living beings. But for us it became the proverbial goose which laid just one golden egg each day, enough for its owners to live comfortably. Greed overpowered common sense and we killed the goose to get all the gold at one go. This has left us gasping for fresh clean air and panting for clear drinking water, let alone other basic necessities of life.
Of course, we love to talk of global warming, climate change, carbon foot prints and bio diversity, but care two hoots about protecting our forest and now, even, agricultural lands. We love to construct special economic zones over fertile land. Industry wants to prosper on empty stomachs. As for our green cover, we do not mind recklessly pulling down trees to make way for broader roads, and bigger residential/commercial establishments. How does it matter to us if our summers are becoming hotter and winters cooler? We have our cooling and heating gadgets in place and to hell with the majority of those who cannot afford them. We systematically pollute and deplete our natural water resources, and then cling proudly to our bottled mineral water. We have also created exclusive oxygen parlours where one can breathe fresh air for a price. So, as traders we are par excellence, and having corporatized the free gifts of nature, we are bleeding her to death.
As far as the fifth element of senses is concerned, actions and not rhetoric are needed. Only if we can change (in letter and spirit) the ‘i’ in the word happiness to ‘y’, then You will gain precedence over I, your concern will be above mine, and all will become fine with the world.
On this World Environment Day let us do our bit to improve the surroundings in which we are living, by being a little more loving, a shade less angry, a bit more tolerant, and a pinch less arrogant in our actions and behaviour. Coupled with this, small individual actions like tree-planting drives, community clean-ups, car-free days, outdoor nature trips, saying no to tobacco and smoking, will go a long way in making our blue planet green.
Shobha Shukla
(The author is the Editor of Citizen News Service (CNS). You may contact her on her Email: shobha@citizen-news.org, website: http://www.citizen-news.org
Friday, June 3, 2011
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